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 By Polo the Weirdo   •   11th Sep 2016   •   968 views   •   1 comments
Error 404 Finances Not Found

Have you ever spent a few minutes sitting and listening while your much beloved (and deeply loathed) equestrian companion talks about the $60 she spent on her horse’s fancy new shoes, while your own moth-eaten sneakers gape sadly at the soles? Did it make you want to high five her rich, spoiled little face with a chair? Well then hold onto your second-hand hats and try not to fall through the budget picnic chairs, because you are about to be enlightened, whips & leather style.

It is a well known fact that horses are expensive. Perhaps lesser known is just exactly how expensive they are. The short answer is, way too expensive to warrant any sane human being owning one. That does not stop us. What many people don’t understand is that the costs of owning a horse can vary quite extravagantly, which basically divides horse owners into three main categories:

ONE: Filthy, Stinkin’ Rich
This is the no-longer-bored housewife who is married to the likes of Bill Gates, the super villain looking for a hobby to ease his troubled conscience, and the little darling princess whose love Daddy had to buy when she caught him in the hot tub with the nanny (again). This rider will have a $600k horse imported from Holland, with a saddle worth $7500, a horsebox worth over 100k, and top class livery in the fanciest district at over $1500 per month. They’ll also have weekly lessons with two top instructors at over $100 per lesson. The number of horses this rider owns seems to multiply alarmingly often, and each time the horse seems to increase in value, yet the rider’s bank account always appears remarkably undamaged by these minor financial inconveniences.
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TWO: Managing, Somehow
This is your average Joe with the expensive habit - like a businessman with a costly drug addiction, only more financially devastating. This is the person who owns a fairly successful business, or works a good, well-paying job with such long hours that they don’t know what their horse looks like in the light. They’ll usually have a well bred, well trained horse from a local stud, probably costing somewhere between $6000 - $12000, and will keep it at the cheapest safe and convenient livery available, most likely for around $400 - $700 per month. They manage to keep themselves and their horses alive fairly comfortably, but do without the luxuries that most assume rich people ought to have.

THREE: Horse Poor
Contrary to popular belief, this is the category that the vast majority of horse owners fall into. They have the same daily financial struggles as everyone else, plus the added struggle of an animal that basically eats money and poops vet bills. They have no luxury items, and those they do have are posted on Gumtree to cover the cost of Fluffy’s stitches from that time he decided to test the budget livery’s barbed wire fences with his leg. They work two jobs and haven’t known the meaning of the word “sleep” since they rescued scrawny, slightly mad Fluffy from his racing career. Most days they can’t afford meals, but that’s all right, because since they couldn’t afford new clothes or a new haircut for the last six years, people tend to take pity on the homeless-looking souls and toss them a free roll from time to time - which they’ll split up and feed with Fluffy: the fat, happy and glowing trophy of their labours and toils.

So next time you feel yourself seething with jealous frustration upon hearing how your friend just spent enough on her horse to have purchased a small second hand car, remember that the money horse people spend and the money they have are entirely different things. In fact, most of the money we spend, we’ve never had in the first place. We’re just twiddling our thumbs and hoping we’ll win the lottery before our debts catch up with us, and we’ll have to stuff Fluffy into a suitcase, change our identities, and flee to Timbuktu.
Error 404 - Finances Not Found
Error 404 - Finances Not Found
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