Horses

Forums
Your Horses Valentines Plan
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   15th Feb 2017   •   245 views   •   0 comments
Your Horses Valentines Plans

Although most of us always strive to visit our precious ponies on Valentines to pamper them with carrots and cuddles, sometimes you have to wonder what your pony gets up to after you’ve left. Is he escaping his stable to draw special love messages in the sand of his favourite mare’s paddock? Practicing his kissing skills on his salt lick? Maybe he just struts around trying to woo any mare who’ll have him? As long as it’s all happening behind closed barn doors, who can know what your horse’s Valentines plans really are? Well, we may not know, but I have a theory.

Horses spend the majority of their lives eating, snoozing, and occasionally spooking at their own farts. With such a blissful existence, it’s pretty difficult to imagine how a horse could make things any more romantic. Still, when they pull out all the stops, some horses can be great gift givers. Here is what your horse is planning to give you this valentine.

1. Poop
Horses have a lot of this. In fact, they can produce about 50 pounds a day. That’s 9 tons a year. To gain a little perspective, imagine you gathered up all that poop (not that we really have to imagine...), collected it together, and started sculpting. Using a years’ worth of this stuff, you could sculpt an entire Tyrannosaurus Rex. That’s right. Your horse produces one T-Rex of poop per year.

But what does this have to do with Valentines day? Well, put simply, 9 out of 10 horses would much rather sniff poop than flowers. And based on the horses I know, I’m pretty sure 8 of 10 would rather eat poop than chocolate. You might think that’s gross, but to your horse, the fact that you wear perfume made from whale vomit and beaver urine is probably gross, and he doesn’t judge you. So just be cool. Different stokes, man.

2. A luxury holiday... to the hospital
Horses are big. In fact, your horse probably weighs about 600kg (1322 lbs). That’s the same as 14 toilets. Imagine being lovingly cuddled by 14 toilets at once. It’s not romantic. It’s lethal. And unsanitary (after all, a horse probably contains more poop than a toilet). So next time you demand a Valentines cuddle from your horse, think about what you’re really asking for. Just think about it.

If you think these sound like the perfect valentines gifts, then go ahead and get that bouquet of carrots, get down on one knee, and ask your horse to be your valentine. If, however, you prefer not to sculpt poop T-Rexes or be crushed by 14 toilets, I suggest you find a valentine better suited to your tastes for next year. Maybe try a cat. Cats are great gift givers. Really. You’ll love the gifts your cat valentine gets you.
Horse News More In This Category:  General      Horse News More From This Author:  Polo the Weirdo
 More News by Polo the Weirdo
President Trump Castrated and Name Changed to Fake News
28th Mar 2017   |   General   |   Polo the Weirdo
Every so often, among horses and among men, an individual appears who shows great promise, an individual from whom everyone expects truly great things. A horse named President Trump was not one of these. With a modest yearling sal ...
Should You Pay Up For A Yearling
26th Mar 2017   |   General   |   Polo the Weirdo
In the equestrian community, we sometimes have these very exciting events called ‘yearling sales’. These involve stabling young, highly tranquilised thoroughbreds at an extremely inappropriate public place frequented by rich busin ...
If Horses Went To School
20th Mar 2017   |   General   |   Polo the Weirdo
Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if horses went to school to learn how to be ridden, instead of just being backed by their owners or trainers? And I don’t mean ‘school’ as in spelling farms or professional train ...
Fun Riding A Horse Without Owners Permission
18th Mar 2017   |   General   |   Polo the Weirdo
Children, experience has taught me, are generally reckless and have not yet learned respect for other people’s property, nor any regard for the consequences to their actions. And since riding schools are notoriously buzzing like a ...
10 Signs you have the Wrong Instructor
10th Mar 2017   |   General   |   Polo the Weirdo
If your instructor is able to get through more than three bottles of wine in a lesson, you probably have the wrong instructor. Or your instructor has the wrong pupil. You should never drive instructors to alcoholism, no matter how ...
Opinionated Equestrians Confidence Issues
20th Feb 2017   |   General   |   Polo the Weirdo
As an occasionally arrogant, usually opinionated, and ‘always right’ equestrian, I feel that my opinion on all equestrian matters is relevant and important. Of course, this view is basically the ‘crazy horse lady starter kit’. We’ ...
My Little Lion Horse
15th Oct 2016   |   General   |   Polo the Weirdo
Many of you who have followed my previous articles will know of Moonfire, or ‘Moo’ – my arrogant, conceited, obnoxious, yet extremely lovable and talented thoroughbred gelding. You might also know that Moo has been enormously succ ...
My Horse is a #$@&%*!
8th Oct 2016   |   General   |   Polo the Weirdo
As I write this, I am soaking wet from the knee-down, with puddles in my boots, and sand in places I’d rather not mention. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: My horse is an #$@&%*! ...
  View All News by Polo the Weirdo
 
Active News Discussions
Horse Racing Not Just for Thoroughbreds
1
comments
Horse Racing Not Just for Thoroughbreds
Struggle And Defeat - Mohani's Story Comes To An End
25
comments
Struggle And Defeat - Mohani's Story Comes To An End
BLM Blocks Media From Horrific Experiment on 200 Horses
4
comments
BLM Blocks Media From Horrific Experiment on 200 Horses
If Horses Were Feminists
12
comments
If Horses Were Feminists
Horse Show Riders Dismounted Based on Weight
6
comments
Horse Show Riders Dismounted Based on Weight
My Horse is a #$@&%*!
6
comments
My Horse is a #$@&%*!
If Horses Were Feminists
12
comments
If Horses Were Feminists
Horse Show Riders Dismounted Based on Weight
6
comments
Horse Show Riders Dismounted Based on Weight
My Gift From Jessica
20
comments
My Gift From Jessica
What You Need to Know Before Giving Your Horse Away
2
comments
What You Need to Know Before Giving Your Horse Away
 
©2002 - 2017   PonyBox LLC Create Account Terms & Conditions Privacy Contact Us
395 Members Online 236,445 Registered Members 2,251 News Articles 8,898,197 Unique News Article Views 191,037,118 Website Views