If Horses Were Celebrities
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   17th Apr 2017   •   689 views   •   0 comments
Horse and Hound recently released a quiz which tells you, based on a series of questions, what celebrity your horse would be if he was a human. Unsurprisingly, my own Moonfire would probably be Kanye West. This got me thinking, if different types of horses were celebrities, which celebrities would they most likely be, and why?

If Horses Were Celebrities

Friesians = The Kardashians
There aren’t many things that they’re particularly good at, but they’ll try anything for some attention. They’re extremely famous, and everyone loves them and wants one, but nobody is particularly sure why. They are always on TV, but never for the reasons that a famous horse should be. They also tend to have fairly large hindquarters.

Arabians = Megan Fox
They are moderately successful in disciplines like showing and occasionally dressage, but everybody knows that they’re not successful enough to be as loved and famous as they are. The truth is, they’re just famous for their looks. Eeeeeverybody loves a pretty arab.

Thoroughbreds = Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson
Like the Rock, these guys start out their careers as athletic pros. They don’t wrestle (well, I imagine their trainers discourage them from doing so), but racing offers a similarly ironic start to their ‘professional’ (riding horse) careers. Whether it’s playing the stud in a Fast and Furious action movie, strapping on a pair of fairy wings to act like a tooth fairy, or shocking everyone with an unexpected-yet-impressive singing talent in a Disney movie, these super horses will try out just about anything you ask them to; and they’ll usually do a pretty good job too. The Thoroughbred is the typical ‘good guy’ horse who is never quite as scary as his looks and past career make him seem to be.

Quarter Horses = Taylor Swift
They are fabulous. They are good at what they do. They demand that you love them and never sell them, and if you do, they will definitely badmouth you to their new owner (probably by improving their performance and winning more than they ever did before just to spite you). However, despite their talents, we’ve got to admit that every time they try to enter the ‘pop arena’, most of us just sit with our hands over our ears (and eyes, in the case of dressage), praying that they’ll go back to country.

Warmbloods = Kanye West
Everybody knows about them. They are extremely famous and successful, and worth a lot of money – for good reason, of course. They are attractive, and they definitely know it (or rather, a highly exaggerated version of it). They’re also not shy (at all) about letting people know this, and demanding that they get special treatment for it. Often making questionable choices, they have a reputation for being badly behaved and (sorry, but it’s true) a little stupid.

Ponies = Chris Brown
They’re the ones that everybody thinks are really sweet, nice and talented until the day they decide to show their inner demons and attack their poor, defenceless riders.

(*Disclaimer: some ponies [not many] can be genuinely sweet and nice. A person who asserts physical violence against his partner cannot. Chris Brown is the greatest height of jerk that any pony can aspire to be, and a pony who reaches a Chris Brown height of jerkitude would probably end up euthanised.)

Paints = Justin Bieber
They’re not particularly talented, but they’re pretty, so nobody cares.

Draft Horses = Adele
Their talents often surprise people, and though they don’t quite look the part of the average sport/riding horse, they always try their best and get rewarded for it. They are the underdogs that people love supporting. They appreciate their audience, and do their best to make people feel good, whether it’s telling jokes during a power cut, or plodding around over little jumps under a kid whose legs barely reach the bottom of the saddle.

What do you think of these similarities? Do you agree, or do you know a horse who completely disproves these generalisations? Take Horse and Hound’s quiz here: (, and share which celebrity your horse would be if he was a human. Does it match his breed-celebrity?
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