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She Just Was
 By MissP   •   8th May 2010   •   6,489 views   •   23 comments
She Just Was

I guess as the cliche goes, this is my story. A recent part of my story, for my story prior to this isn’t one I ever want to re live let alone write down and share with the world. It is about one of my dreams, one that I had when i was very young but I never forgot all the same. It was unlike all the rest. For as long as I could remember I had dreamt of a place far away from were I was. It was always quiet, light, happy and safe. A place so unlike my waking moments that sleep was a welcomed treat. But this was one of those reoccurring dreams the ones with always the same beginning and ending.

She Just WasIt would start of with a feeling of anxiety, were ever it was I remember feeling as if it was the last place I wanted to be. It was dark and it was almost as if i was standing in a black box for there was nothing around me, just a sense of crushing loneliness. Then something would happen, a flicker of light a change in temperature but something that would start me running forward I would run till I came to a place that wasn’t so dark, shapes started becoming clear. I would find myself then standing next to a horse I never remembered its colour or what it looked like. Just the feeling that came with it, utter happiness, relief almost. I would always end up back in that black box with the feeling of anxiety before i woke up. Perhaps for that reason i never forgot that dream.

Im not a spiritual person, i don’t believe in things happening for a reason. Nor dreams coming true, or being able to tell the future. What i can see is what i believe. But in October last year a funny thing happened. I was finally able to have my own horse. Not one that I had to give back when i had finished working with it. Not one that I had a dead line with. I wasn’t sure what to think at first, I enjoyed riding many different horses and not being tied down to any. But before I could even begin deciding or looking around at available horses. A horse kinda appeared, I mean she had been there for awhile. But suddenly it all just seemed to fit into place and needless to say a few weeks later she arrived. I was so scared to begin with. Never before had I done something like this. I was very good at making sure I always had a way out. An easy way to just drop everything and run. Never owning my own horse ment i didn’t have to commit to anything. Keeping friends and family at arms length so I could run away from them aswell if need be. But all of a sudden and all to quickly I had this horse, this commitment, something that I couldn’t escape. I have spent my life running away from one thing or another and now I felt stuck.

She Just Was

My anxiety that I was keeping at arms length came back, as did my bad eating habits and it had been a long time since I had cried so much. Then another funny thing happened, I was suddenly waking up to go check on this horse. This commitment, this thing that kept me tied to the spot. Thats exactly were it was keeping me, tied to life with an aim. I had a commitment and I suddenly had some direction again. She was the only thing in my day in my life that had structure to it, it was solid and real.

Over the next six months it was becoming harder and harder to ride. Both physically and mentally. Physically my knees and hips were getting much worse. Mentally I was still unable to rid myself of my anxiety. Anxiety that was slowly creeping into my world of horses. Some days I could hardly mount up paralyzed with fear. On those days we would go for a walk. We had some amazing walks. Walks were i could unclip her and she would jog behind me and over small logs. Walks into the middle of the woods getting myself lost and using her wonderful direction of home to get out. Some days I had no fear at all, on those days we would go faster and further than I have ever gone before. We still have our good days and bad days. Sometimes I still can’t get in the saddle and we just go for our walk. Sometimes when I physically can’t ride or walk far ill set myself up in her paddock with a book. Just knowing that she is there near me did more for me than i can even begin to put into words.

My black box that filled me with anxiety and fear since I was young had gotten little bit lighter. All because of this little horse. I was happy and at peace when I was with her. I found I could see further than just the next day when I was working her. She would always be there for me tomorrow, unchanged and just herself, just the way I loved her.

She Just Was

I had that same dream again a few nights ago, its what inspired me to write this story. What i remembered most about this dream though, was the blackness didn’t seem so complete and the relief when the horse appeared wasn’t as great. Its funny what happens when life becomes both greater and larger than your dreams. But just as before this dream before I awoke I slipped back into the dark box. Im not sure for how much longer im going to be able to have this little horse. It is playing havoc with my mind just the thought of having to give her up. Seven months ago the death of my best friend couldn’t bring me to tears. Now all it takes is the thought of having to give up this amazing little horse. She has opened up old hidden wounds. But perhaps it is following the pattern of that dream, who knows were tomorrow will take me.

All I know is my life wouldn’t be half of what it is now if this little mare hadn’t pranced her way into my life six months ago. Even if she does have to go tomorrow or ten years down the track. I wont ever forget how much she has taught me, just by being herself. The same forgiving strong willed little mare I have grown to love more than I believed was possible.

She reminded me how to cry that sometimes in the right company it is ok to show your emotions. She showed me how to be vulnerable again. Not to be afraid that someone is going to take advantage of it. She showed me how I need to have some faith in myself and trust in others. Slowly she is helping me commit instead of running away. But most of all she reminded me how to love. Love when all I wanted to do was push everything and everyone away to protect myself. Because for some reason no matter how much I pushed her away she stayed just the same, there was no running or hiding from her. She just was.
She Just Was
She Just Was
She Just Was
She Just Was
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