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How To Tell If Your Horse Is A Vampire
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   19th Feb 2013   •   7,127 views   •   10 comments
It has recently come to my attention that my horse, Moony, is exhibiting certain qualities that some may class as ‘vampiric’. In fear of an outbreak of equine vampires, I have decided to write this article to raise awareness. If you suspect that your horse may be a vampire, watch closely for the following signs!

How To Tell If Your Horse Is A Vampire

Sparkling in sunlight. As a recent poorly-written teen fad has taught us, vampires now sparkle in sunlight (Not unlike fairies), rather than burning and disintegrating like the vampires of old. This new quality of vampirism has made way for the rise of equine vampires. (That’s right folks, I’m blaming Twilight.)

How To Tell If Your Horse Is A Vampire

A sudden inexplicable thirst for blood. Watch out for your furry friend suddenly trying to gnaw right through you. As we all know, horses are herbivores, so carnivorous behaviour in your steed is always a subtle hint towards possible equine vampirism.

Complete intolerance of canines. As we all know, vampires and werewolves just do NOT get along. Who knows why, it probably has something to do with lovesick teenage girls, if recent media is anything to go by. Thus, if your horse has a severe problem with little yappy Chihuahuas bouncing off his hooves, be careful. Of course, if your Chihuahua is a werewolf, then a vampiric horse is the least of your problems.

How To Tell If Your Horse Is A Vampire

Extreme activity at night. Vampires, sparkly or not, are creatures of the night. Thus, if your horse is the kind to pull Houdini-style escaping stunts at night and go gallivanting across your entire property, you’d best exercise caution. Fix some extra bolts onto that stable door unless you want a visit from ‘Equine Cullen’.

Fear of shiny objects. As we all know, a silver bullet is oftentimes a surefire means of killing a vampire. Horses, being horses, are likely to mistake anything even vaguely shiny for a silver bullet. So, if your horse is constantly spooking at barrels, puddles, car windows, dressage markers (come on, we all know one...) or anything else that might be considered ‘shiny’, then chances are he is fearing for his life due to his secret identity as an equine vampire...

How To Tell If Your Horse Is A Vampire

The blood thing again. Because seriously, Moony needs to keep his teeth away from my face.

Determination to obliterate small mammals. Vampires (particularly the more friendly kind) are often inclined to destroy small animals – like chickens or rats – in order to quench their thirst for blood. If your horse is anything like mine, then you may have noticed him making mad, violent rushes across his paddock at whatever small, defenseless creature dares enter it. This may point toward equine vampirism.

An odd fascination with gnawing on wood. You may see your horse doing this and think ‘oh, he’s just bored’, or ‘maybe he’s lacking something in his diet’. Sure, that could explain it – but if your horse is an equine vampire, then its desire to chew through anything even vaguely wooden could in fact be out of pure spite for the legends of old when wooden stakes were used to destroy vampires. The immortal never forget.

And, finally, the thirst for blood thing. Again. I’m just tired of being bitten, okay?

If your horse is exhibiting many of these symptoms, then you and I might have quite a problem on our hands... Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go threaten my horse with a clove of garlic.

Polo out.
Horse News More In This Category:  General      Horse News More From This Author:  Polo the Weirdo
PonyBox  MOD 
We must stop them before they infect others!
  Feb 19, 2013  •  8,193 views
 
Valkyrie  MOD 
Omg. I officially love you. This is the best article I've ever read on this site hahahaha.
  Feb 19, 2013  •  7,781 views
 
Faith forever  
0.o Thunder`s a vampire! He has took up biting and sparkles! XD
  Feb 19, 2013  •  7,579 views
 
Soquili  
Aren't silver bullets for killing Werewolves??
  Feb 19, 2013  •  7,791 views
 
weezapony  
Uh oh. I think I know a barn full!
Those shiny things, man, they sure do look like silver bullets. XD
  Feb 19, 2013  •  7,740 views
 
LookAMoose  
oh, Polo! This is the best article I have read! Stormy chews threw wood :/ and most of the wood is broken! I guess a vampire has to do what a vampire wants, cause.honestly even cribbing collars do not even work! But this seriously was the best article ever! Good luck with Moony sounds like he likes the moon better from his name :)
  Feb 20, 2013  •  7,440 views
 
Run Free  
*sudden gasp* I think angel is a vampire too *another gasp*
A) she has been oddly clean, almost sparking should I say
B) she has bitten me (well tried too) twice this week
C) she has attempted escape at night recently
D) she has a fear of puddles and reflections
E) she killed a frog this week (she cantered on it, R.I.P frog)
F) she has bitten through a post this month
The only 'vampire' characteristic she hasn't showed is an intolerance of canines.....
Ok so garlic instead of carrots in future for angel and moony now XD
  Feb 20, 2013  •  8,349 views
 
Just A Rainbow Seaweed  
What do you do if the vampire ponies like garlic? Mobey just stole my piece of pizza
  Feb 25, 2013  •  7,285 views
 
Moose  
Oh my god! My horse is a vampire!

She sparkles, eats wood, hates dogs, and loves shiny things! D: what do I dO??
  Mar 21, 2013  •  8,626 views
 
Hippogriff  
Uh oh. My horse displayed all these signs earlier.
He chased the dog, scared the sheep away, tried to eat me, leapt over a puddle, took chunks out of his stable door, and, him being a grey who likes to wallow in the mud, you can't help but notice when he is sparkling clean in a horrible, wet, muddy field.
  Apr 28, 2013  •  6,527 views
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