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How To Tell if Your Horse is Trying To Kill You
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   18th Aug 2013   •   11,309 views   •   5 comments
How To Tell if Your Horse is Trying To Kill You

This article, inspired by my dear Moo, serves to teach naïve, trusting riders to see the murderous intent in their ‘little darling’s’ eyes, and how to escape with their hineys still attached.

1. ‘He wouldn’t hurt a fly’, you say? Check again. That swishing tail attached to your darling’s perfect bottom is actually a weapon of mass destruction. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at the corpses of all his defenceless fly-victims lying in the dirt. If they’re not there, he’s probably moved them to his secret trophy room already, next to the couch stuffed with the feathers of the chicken he killed three months ago. If that tail catches you in the face (And a horse’s aim is pretty true) you’re a goner, so watch your back. Or rather, watch his butt.

How To Tell if Your Horse is Trying To Kill You

2. Ever noticed how a horse’s hooves are somewhat hard, and not entirely pleasant to have on your feet? If you haven’t, lucky you, but if you have, you’ll know that having half a ton of horse squishing your feet somewhat impedes your ability to run away. This is a technique that vicious ‘darlings’ use to catch their prey. Some riders claim that screaming and punching the horse’s shoulder can be an effective defensive tactic, but most horses seem to disagree, and would rather recommend bribery with a particularly juicy carrot.

How To Tell if Your Horse is Trying To Kill You

3. Watch his ears. You may find it cute that he’s watching you with his ears all pricked, but the truth is, those things aren’t used for hearing at all. They’re his homing device, and when they’re locked on you, it’s time to drop and roll before that missile launches!

4. You know those cute little love bites and nibbles that your darling gives you to show how much he ‘lurves’ you? Wrong. He’s just trying to decide which part of you to take a chunk out of first.

5. The reason your darling paws before rolling isn’t to soften the ground. He’s practicing his ‘killing blow’, right under your very nose...

6. Remember that one time he spooked at a bird and kicked you in the face? There was no bird. Horses are masters of trickery!

7. This is the last and possibly most important sign, and one that I feel I would have done rather well to heed. If your horse charges you from across the paddock and rears up in your face, it doesn’t mean he wants to play. It simply means that you should get the heck out of there, before you end up mounted on the wall next to the flies and the chicken.

But hey, don’t be scared. Horses aren’t all malice and murder. Stock up on carrots, and maybe you’ll be able to buy yourself one more day of life... Until next time.

Happy riding, my fellow victims.
Horse News More In This Category:  General      Horse News More From This Author:  Polo the Weirdo
Copper711  
Lol, lol, lol and a million more lols!!!! I love the drawings to it!!!!!
  Aug 19, 2013  •  12,481 views
 
Horsehead13  
LUV IT!!!!!!!! so funny
  Aug 20, 2013  •  12,255 views
 
Emmurr  
Seriously, these daft articles are just the best, they put a grin on my face every time I read them.
  58 days ago  •  12,092 views
 
Dark Side  
qow
  Jun 27, 2014  •  7,866 views
 
no longer need barn
Aw polo made me laugh again!
  Nov 17, 2016  •  1,971 views
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