|
How To Tell if Your Horse is Trying To Kill You
|
|
|
This article, inspired by my dear Moo, serves to teach naïve, trusting riders to see the murderous intent in their ‘little darling’s’ eyes, and how to escape with their hineys still attached.
1. ‘He wouldn’t hurt a fly’, you say? Check again. That swishing tail attached to your darling’s perfect bottom is actually a weapon of mass destruction. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at the corpses of all his defenceless fly-victims lying in the dirt. If they’re not there, he’s probably moved them to his secret trophy room already, next to the couch stuffed with the feathers of the chicken he killed three months ago. If that tail catches you in the face (And a horse’s aim is pretty true) you’re a goner, so watch your back. Or rather, watch his butt.
2. Ever noticed how a horse’s hooves are somewhat hard, and not entirely pleasant to have on your feet? If you haven’t, lucky you, but if you have, you’ll know that having half a ton of horse squishing your feet somewhat impedes your ability to run away. This is a technique that vicious ‘darlings’ use to catch their prey. Some riders claim that screaming and punching the horse’s shoulder can be an effective defensive tactic, but most horses seem to disagree, and would rather recommend bribery with a particularly juicy carrot.
3. Watch his ears. You may find it cute that he’s watching you with his ears all pricked, but the truth is, those things aren’t used for hearing at all. They’re his homing device, and when they’re locked on you, it’s time to drop and roll before that missile launches!
4. You know those cute little love bites and nibbles that your darling gives you to show how much he ‘lurves’ you? Wrong. He’s just trying to decide which part of you to take a chunk out of first.
5. The reason your darling paws before rolling isn’t to soften the ground. He’s practicing his ‘killing blow’, right under your very nose...
6. Remember that one time he spooked at a bird and kicked you in the face? There was no bird. Horses are masters of trickery!
7. This is the last and possibly most important sign, and one that I feel I would have done rather well to heed. If your horse charges you from across the paddock and rears up in your face, it doesn’t mean he wants to play. It simply means that you should get the heck out of there, before you end up mounted on the wall next to the flies and the chicken.
But hey, don’t be scared. Horses aren’t all malice and murder. Stock up on carrots, and maybe you’ll be able to buy yourself one more day of life... Until next time.
Happy riding, my fellow victims. |
|
|
|
Copper711
Lol, lol, lol and a million more lols!!!! I love the drawings to it!!!!!
Lol, lol, lol and a million more lols!!!! I love the drawings to it!!!!!
|
Aug 19, 2013
• 12,481 views
|
|
|
|
Horsehead13
LUV IT!!!!!!!! so funny
LUV IT!!!!!!!! so funny
|
Aug 20, 2013
• 12,255 views
|
|
|
|
Emmurr
Seriously, these daft articles are just the best, they put a grin on my face every time I read them.
Seriously, these daft articles are just the best, they put a grin on my face every time I read them.
|
58 days ago
• 12,092 views
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jun 27, 2014
• 7,866 views
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Nov 17, 2016
• 1,971 views
|
|
|
|
|
More News by Polo the Weirdo
|
|
Welcome to part 2 in our quest of finding the best gadgets and gimmicks that can actually help you to improve your riding! Put your body where it should be, and let your brain figure out how to keep it there. You’ll have that perf ...
|
|
Do you always find yourself riding with toes like a ballerina? Do you stare into your own lap as if the secrets of the universe are stitched into the crotch of your joddies? Do you ride with shoulders that would make the Hunchback ...
|
|
Gadgets often get a poor reputation in the equestrian world due to their misuse on equine athletes often resulting in harmful or abusive conditions. The debate on whether or not gadgets (like side reins, etc.) ought to be used on ...
|
|
The elongated shutdown of racing brings with it many great consequences, many of which are already beginning to show as owners, breeders and trainers alike are forced to begin euthanasia of horses they can no longer afford to keep ...
|
|
With the Covid-19 pandemic sweeping the globe, people the world over are doing exactly what one would expect modern man to do in a time of great crisis. They are binge-watching eccentric Netflix documentaries. The specific documen ...
|
|
With our current global pandemic, many equestrians the world over are suddenly being forced to face a horseless reality as entire nations enter lockdown. It is a miserable and testing time, but equestrians are tough. We’re gonna m ...
|
|
On the first day of lockdown, most of us sat in our homes. Silent, shellshocked, looking through old pictures of our horses and trying to come to terms with the fact that we had to be without them for 3 whole weeks. Worrying about ...
|
|
I am a long-time sufferer of your shenanigans, and I am writing to express my concern about recent discussion and the pending decision to implement an exit the arena at any given opportunity policy. I understand that the decision ...
|
|
|
