A Horses Guide on How to Train Your Human
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   1st Mar 2014   •   4,472 views   •   4 comments
A Horses Guide on How to Train Your Human

So my admirers ask me all the time, “Moony, how did you get your human so well trained?” I didn’t bother to answer at the start. I mean, why should they know my secrets? I wasn’t always as successful as I am now – I had to work hard to figure out how to teach my human how she’s supposed to serve me, so why should I give away that information to those other dumb furrballs free of charge? Unfortunately, not even an academic as utterly genius as myself can resist the lure of a week’s worth of carrot rations; so here I am, reluctantly sharing my hard-earned wisdom with all of you undeserving donkeys out there. (I hope you’re happy, you glue factory rejects! Yeah, Finola, I’m talking to you, Goody-two-shoes!)

Well, I suppose it’s now or never. The first thing you have to realize is that training your human from the ground is not enough. Good ground manners and special awareness in a human are important, but these behaviours seldom carry over to ridden work. Your human may run when you swing your quarters and yell at the appropriate volume when stepped on, but once you’ve got a bit in your mouth and a saddle on your back, ‘pardner’, you’re roped. But don’t get your tail in a twist yet; Master Moo has some brilliant tips on how to train a human in-saddle. Hand over the carrots, Mules, and listen close.

First off, always remember that a frightened human is a trainable human. Humans love being scared; they’ve made a whole entertainment system out of it (although personally, I don’t see how things like ‘Silence of the Lambs’ or ‘The Grudge’ are even remotely scary. Spirit? Now that was a quality horror movie! I mean, did you see how horrendously trained those humans were? And those spurs! Goosebumps, I tell you. But I digress...).

The point is, humans don’t respond to positive reinforcement. When your human pulls on the bit, brother, you better stand up on your hind legs and wave at the clouds! (This is the creature that took away your stallion-apples, remember? Revenge!)

Likewise, don’t let your human get away with these things they call ‘leg aids’; these are a way of tricking you into behaving the way they want you to. Don’t give in! If that human gives you a kick, sister, you get that beautiful bum in the air, and kick right back!

The key is consistency. Most humans will sit out a couple of bucks and rears, but if you keep on harassing them endlessly for an entire session, they will eventually give in. That being said, human training is an art, and there is a certain subtlety to it that cannot be overlooked. Humans do, unfortunately, provide the majority of our food (because let’s face it, most of us are pathetic freeloaders who spend our time lazing around rather than writing for carrots. Yes, I mean you lot.) which means that you must always leave them with just enough hope that they’ll keep on feeding you, believing that one day you’ll ‘become something’. If you play it right, you may even be able to convince your human that all of your ‘acting up’ is in fact pain related, and can be solved with a fancy new saddle, a sexy set of bar shoes and a couple of good massages. It’s always a good idea to encourage this behaviour with a display of ‘talent’ to ensure that it continues. My favourite method is the 9/10 method. That is, nine times out of ten, you take every opportunity to maim, scare and traumatise the human, but the tenth time, you display such unbelievable talent and ability that you convince them to keep on trying. Man, those hairless dweebs are gullible.

With that, I leave you. I’d wish you luck, but there’s really no point. Nobody can train humans like I can; in fact, I think it’s adorable that you all asked me to do this in the first place. You can’t teach talent, fools.

Yours sincerely,
Master Moonfire, Lord of the Chickens, Founding Father of Equine Vampirism, Self-Declared King of Awesome, and 9-time winner of the world-renowned ‘Brattiest Horse’ award.

A Horses Guide on How to Train Your Human
Horse News More In This Category:  General      Horse News More From This Author:  Polo the Weirdo
Polo the Weirdo  MOD 
...My horse is an evil genius. Thanks, Moo. -_-
  Mar 2, 2014  •  5,879 views
No Walkin Farms9  
*falls over laughing*... *dies laughing*
  Mar 2, 2014  •  5,579 views
*Goes around each stable and make sure no horses are reading this article*
  Mar 2, 2014  •  5,302 views
My Paper Heart  
I think Moo and Penny have been conspiring together. xD This article is Penny in a nutshell. *shields AJ from such evil doing*
  Mar 3, 2014  •  5,393 views
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