How To Become a Horse Expert
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It’s a brand new year and a good time to set goals. This could be your year to become a horse expert. Ready to get started? Here are a few ideas garnered from watching the real experts; those gurus of the equine world who have all the answers (and a good part of their follower's money).
Clothes Make the the Expert
The first thing you will have to decide is what genre of horse expert you will be. The gurus seem to come in three species. There are western, English, and holistic types. So that your adoring followers can easily identify you, the proper horse expert uniform is requisite.
If you decide to become a western horse expert you will of course need a cowboy hat. It should fit so that is stays on in a tornado. It must be pulled down snugly, but not so far down as to cover your mouth. You will need a BIG belt buckle. Ideally this will be a prize buckle won at the "Really Expensive Horse with Crooked Legs Futurity" show or some other equally impressive extravaganza. In a pinch, a purchased belt buckle will do as long as it is large enough to cause massive internal damage if you happen to bend over. Very tight jeans that slouch over your roper boots are mandatory.
An English horse expert will need to purchase the most expensive riding breeches made. It doesn't matter if you are built like a Lego toy, everyone thinks breeches makes them look good. Custom made field boots, and a ball cap with a leather visor and expensive logo will be necessary. You will of course require several vests with horsy motifs. You will need a promotional T-shirt from your last show - but you will only wear any T-shirt once; a T-shirt with any sign of wear is unacceptable.
Plan to wear organically grown cotton from top to bottom, and hemp riding boots if you are going to be a holistic horse guru. Most of your followers will be vegan. Leather belts, shoes, or ball cap visors are unacceptable. Your style will be somewhere between Prince Charles and Crocodile Hunter. You will want to have lots of pockets for your crystals, stones and dowsing rods.
Talk the Talk
If you're going to be a western horse expert better get a southern US accent. Especially north of the Canadian border, this guarantees your expertise. Throw in lots of words like "titch, "snooch", "y'all", "yawp", and phrases like "l'il pumpkin roller", "gosh dang", refer to all women as "mam", and call a horse a hawse. Add an extra syllable into all of your words.
For English horse experts vee must have zee German accent. Nawsing worse knowing about zee pferde come froms anyware but zee Duetchland.
Holistic horse experts will do well with a West Coast or slight Australian accent. Speak slowly and clearly. Breathe deeply and rhythmically. Ohhhmmmmm.....
Your Venue
To promote your expertise, you'll need to set the stage so your followers will have the best possible learning environment.
You can not possibly be a western horse expert without a round pen. If you do not have one, stop everything and build one immediately. You will need to set bleachers around the perimeter. Have dust trucked in, so that during demonstrations and clinics the dust will be so thick the spectators won't be able to see anything but the inside of their eyelids. Do not - I repeat - do not - leave the roundpen. No one must know that anything worth doing with a horse can be done outside of a roundpen. If you are providing lunch, beanie weenies on thin paper plates will prove a favourite.
The English horse expert will of course be 'on-site' depending on the discipline. If you are doing a cross-country clinic, stand on the top of a hill with your back to the sun. Try to pick days with strong winds. Your followers will be awed at having to strain their eyes and ears to catch your words of wisdom. Jumper clinics will be held in the stadium. Again, have dust trucked in. Walk fast between jumps carrying a Jack Russell Terrier that barks incessantly.
For dressage clinics, you will need a dressage ring. Make sure that 6 inch high white plastic chain fence borders the ring. Nothing livens up a dull dressage clinic like untangling a horse from 180 feet of plastic chain. Canapés, finger sandwiches, and profiteroles served by uniformed waiters will be standard luncheon fare.
Holistic horse experts will not use rings or fencing and all horses and many of the participants will be 'au natural'. A nice scenic spot on the seashore or a mountain side is essential. The training area is formed by participants standing in a circle holding hands and chanting positive affirmations. If an indoor venue is required due to weather, a pyramid shaped building is desirable. Be sure there is a wide selection of tofu served on recyclable plates made from organically grown sustainable forest products at the lunch buffet. Be sure to supply stevia; someone will know how to use it. However, you may find that many of the participants are more receptive to your teachings when they fast.
Your Angle
Horses are dumb, people are smart. (That's why people pay for clinics and horses don't.) As the western horse expert, you know how to break your training methods into simple steps that anyone can do until they actually try them. You'll point out how humane your methods are compared to the buck'em and break'em methods of the past. No one need know your horse complies because of the inner ear imbalance caused by running in too many small circles.
Zee horse iss a very complex creature and you must spend yearz and yearz on its development and training. Zee first 10 years must be spent working on zee straight line, only ven zee straight line is attained can you zen begin to work on zee curved line. The English horse expert knows that the keys to any good training program are time and money. And more money. And more money...(Don't type with a very good German accent, do I?)
Horses are part of the energy of an ever-changing universe. The holistic horse expert is of course, training the whole horse. Horses are a part of us; we are a part of the horse (the hindmost part?). We are not training our horses; we are developing a relationship. We are communing with a being both higher and lower than ourselves. We are learning about our horse, thereby learning about ourselves, and our universe. We have no idea what we are trying to do....ohhhmmmm...
So off you go...fulfill your dreams in 2015….(and thank you for letting me poke fun at everyone.)
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Lead Image Credit: © Malbright | Dreamstime.com - Rodeo Queen - Sisters, Oregon Rodeo 2011 Photo |
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