Let’s be honest, my horse is kind of a jerk. He has most vices a horse could possibly have, but despite it, he is an amazing animal and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. So, although I think that the masses are perfectly justified in their repeated sentiments of, “I wouldn’t get on your horse even if you paid me”, I feel it necessary to explain why my horse’s ‘downfalls’ make him the most awesome horse of all.
1. Free KFC. My horse is an extremely skilled chicken-killer, so despite the fact that I have to deal with him trying to maul me most times I enter his paddock, at least I know that if I’m ever in a pinch, Moo has supper covered.
2. Extreme biting accuracy. My horse tries to bite me so often that I know I’ll never have the problem of the accidental nip that leaves me with a giant bruise on my arm. I never have to wonder if my horse is going to bite, or be taken by surprise by a sudden unexpected nip. He is always thinking of biting me, every minute, of every hour, of every day. Why is this a good thing? Well, obviously, I have the bite-dodging skills of a ninja. Do you?
3. Anti-theft precautions. You may see my horse rearing and flailing his hooves at head level as a dangerous problem, but I see it as a great opportunity. As far as I know, an anti-theft device for horses has not yet been invented, and when your horse is worth more than your can, it’s fairly useful to know that it will, uh... ‘discourage’ anybody who tries to steal it. Or, you know, lead it into a stable.
4. Ultra-balanced rearing. Yes, my horse rears a lot. So much, in fact, that he has become extremely good at it, to the point that I’m 100% confident he won’t fall over, which makes rearing as endearingly annoying as bucking, rather than a life-flashing-before-my-eyes disaster. Additionally, nobody can say he can’t get his hocks underneath him. Because half the time his hocks are literally underneath him. Vertically.
5. Super-classy high standards. If my horse was a human, he would be a princess. Yes, he. I respect his life choices. The point is, while some may think that having to provide a bowl of water immediately beside his food for him to rinse his mouth between bites is an annoyance (especially since the water has to be cleaned and refilled immediately afterwards), I simply see it as a mark of my horse’s high standards. And if he thinks he’s better than other horses I’m not going to disagree with him. I don’t want to end up like the chickens.
6. Free(ish) riding lessons. My horse is so wonderful, that he always takes the time to let me know when I am doing something wrong. Usually in subtle ways like throwing his head into my face, or offering a polite rear and leap, or even a lap of the arena at extended buck. It may sound unpleasant, but really if you neglect getting medical attention and avoid hospital bills, it’s just a conveniently cheap way to improve my riding.
7. Improved social status. Since my horse is extremely fussy, he will only let me brush him with the softest fancy brushes, and will only perform well with a perfectly fitting saddle (and obviously only fancy ones fit him) and a lovely padded girth, and soft numnah with incredible with clearance. So he basically turns me into one of those brand worshippers, like the attractive people on the TV who will only carry Dolce and Banana handbags or something. So, I mean, thanks to my horse, I’m basically like a celebrity. In a way.
8. New Improved levels. If horses were video games, mine would be that one that you have to play on hell mode, so you die every five minutes and have to start from the beginning, but that’s totally great, because it means more masochistic play time!
9. Profit machine. If I ever tried to sell my horse (as my instructor has pointed out on numerous occasions) the buyer would most likely keep him for a week before returning to me in tears and bandages, shouting, “Take your demon horse back! Keep the money, just take it!” Repeat this process several times, and I could generate a pretty good income.
10. And, finally, my horse is better than yours (to me) simply because I love him to bits. And after reading this article, I’m sure you can understand why this is the most ironic reason of all.
-A slightly bruised and bloody but very lucky Polo
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