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The Problems with Kitty Cats
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   18th Jul 2016   •   1,697 views   •   0 comments


Kitties are great. But what people seldom realise is that being in the presence of a kitty can be extremely detrimental to your health. And Iím not just talking about allergies.

Side effects of kitties may include: Laziness, masochistic tendencies, forever alone-ness, damaged self worth, global annihilation.

1. Excessively distracting cuteness resulting in loss of motivation to do anything other than pet kitty while kitty is in petting range.

2. Cuteness > Sharpness. Despite the fact that kitties are extremely sharp, the extent of their cuteness still outstrips the extent of their sharpness, resulting in extreme ouchness when kitty is clawing lap and human cannot stop petting kitty, resulting in an infinite loop of ouch.

3. Unrealistic relationship standards. Once a person has owned a kitty, no human can ever measure up to the same amount of thoughtful gift-giving, snuggles, fluffiness, and love-inducing cuteness. Hence, a kitty owner is doomed to be forever unsatisfied with any human partner they might encounter.

4. Cuteness > Your needs. No matter how sleep-deprived you are, you will get out of bed and brave the cold at 5AM (And again every half hour until youíre up) to give kitty food, let kitty out, let kitty back in again, let kitty out again, then let kitty back in. Because kitty will always be cuter than you are sleepy, even if youíre on your death bed.

5. Bed sores. If kitty is comfy, you cannot move. You will brave the pain to protect kittyís comfort.

6. Unemployment. You canít get to work because kitty is still comfy.

7. Dehydration. Kitties stay comfy for a very long time. Humans canít go that long without getting up for something to drink.

8. No social life. You canít go out. Kitty needs you in bed to get comfy.

9. Inferiority complex. No matter how cute you are, kitty will always be cuter. All your friends will only want to play with kitty. Your partner will give kitty cuddles and kisses while you sit and pout. Even your own mother will tell you that you should be more like kitty.

10. Extreme pessimism. Nothing in life will ever be as amazing as spending time with kitty. So nothing in life is worthwhile, except kitty. You live and work only to maintain kitty-induced happiness.

11. Slavery is wrong, and at this point itís fairly obvious that youíre kittyís slave. The kitties have found our weakness. There is no escape now.
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