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Your Horses Valentines Plan
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Although most of us always strive to visit our precious ponies on Valentines to pamper them with carrots and cuddles, sometimes you have to wonder what your pony gets up to after you’ve left. Is he escaping his stable to draw special love messages in the sand of his favourite mare’s paddock? Practicing his kissing skills on his salt lick? Maybe he just struts around trying to woo any mare who’ll have him? As long as it’s all happening behind closed barn doors, who can know what your horse’s Valentines plans really are? Well, we may not know, but I have a theory.
Horses spend the majority of their lives eating, snoozing, and occasionally spooking at their own farts. With such a blissful existence, it’s pretty difficult to imagine how a horse could make things any more romantic. Still, when they pull out all the stops, some horses can be great gift givers. Here is what your horse is planning to give you this valentine.
1. Poop
Horses have a lot of this. In fact, they can produce about 50 pounds a day. That’s 9 tons a year. To gain a little perspective, imagine you gathered up all that poop (not that we really have to imagine...), collected it together, and started sculpting. Using a years’ worth of this stuff, you could sculpt an entire Tyrannosaurus Rex. That’s right. Your horse produces one T-Rex of poop per year.
But what does this have to do with Valentines day? Well, put simply, 9 out of 10 horses would much rather sniff poop than flowers. And based on the horses I know, I’m pretty sure 8 of 10 would rather eat poop than chocolate. You might think that’s gross, but to your horse, the fact that you wear perfume made from whale vomit and beaver urine is probably gross, and he doesn’t judge you. So just be cool. Different stokes, man.
2. A luxury holiday... to the hospital
Horses are big. In fact, your horse probably weighs about 600kg (1322 lbs). That’s the same as 14 toilets. Imagine being lovingly cuddled by 14 toilets at once. It’s not romantic. It’s lethal. And unsanitary (after all, a horse probably contains more poop than a toilet). So next time you demand a Valentines cuddle from your horse, think about what you’re really asking for. Just think about it.
If you think these sound like the perfect valentines gifts, then go ahead and get that bouquet of carrots, get down on one knee, and ask your horse to be your valentine. If, however, you prefer not to sculpt poop T-Rexes or be crushed by 14 toilets, I suggest you find a valentine better suited to your tastes for next year. Maybe try a cat. Cats are great gift givers. Really. You’ll love the gifts your cat valentine gets you. |
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