Scandalous Horse Names
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   29th Mar 2017   •   1,382 views   •   0 comments
We’ve all heard about the horse named President Trump by now, but his isn’t the first racehorse name to draw attention. The Jockey Club has banned many inappropriate names (most of which are too R-rated to appear here), and in fact allowed many a questionable or simply ‘odd’ one through. This, of course, is a complete and utter blessing for those of us watching the races, or following the commentary! Here are some of the funniest horse names in history, accompanied by some videos of exactly the hilarious sort of chaos that can ensue from them.

1. Flat Fleet Feet (1993). This daughter of Afleet (Mr. Prospector) raced 23 times with 7 wins for total earnings of $727,041. Not only was she a successful racehorse, but almost certainly gave her owners and trainers a stack of vindictive laughs when they got to listen to the poor commentators of those 23 races trying to say their horse’s name 100 times quickly. Try it – it’s not easy! In fact, it makes this commentator’s impressive immunity to tongue-tying seem almost inhuman!

2. Hoof Hearted. Originally the name of a Canadian mare born in 1981, this name was so beloved by the equestrian community that it was in fact recycled and given to a 1993 European filly. The original Hoof Hearted got to take the mickey out of race commentators 65 times, despite modest earnings of only $40,345. Clearly those involved were just in it for the laugh! If you don’t understand why this name is funny, say it out loud a few times, or just listen to the video. You’ll get it pretty fast. After all, who of us hasn’t asked this fateful question at some point during our school careers? Hoof Hearted will definitely make anyone who tried to say her name the butt of many a joke.

3. Who Gives a Donald (1987). Although he only raced 3 times, this horse is certainly remembered for his name – probably more so following the President Trump Scandal! Though the name’s original humour came from its Cockney slang meaning (which is slightly too rude to repeat here), the laughter multiplies tenfold when applied to the current political context. Who Gives a Donald if you call your horse President Trump anyway?

4. Waikikamukau (1990). This horse raced 68 times for total earnings of $848,415. His name is pronounced “Why kick a moo cow”. Like Hoof Hearted, yet another of life’s great questions is posed here by the name of a racehorse.

5. ARRRRR (2004). This gelding raced 33 times for earnings of $98,534, but that’s certainly not what he’ll be remembered for. With almost 500 000 views, this video of a commentator embracing his inner pirate to the name’s full potential went just about viral. Whether the horse was named on pirate day, or whether he was named for what his owner was saying whilst trying to come up with a name that met Jockey Club rules we can’t be sure, but whichever it was, the result was ARRRRRtstanding.

6. My Wife Knows Everything and The Wife Doesn’t Know. In one of the most hilarious racing videos ever, announcer Larry Collmus calls a race between these two ironically named horses, with the obviously expected result a wife knowing everything always beats a wife not knowing. Sorry boys, if you want to win, you better keep your wives in the know!

7. Sorry About That (1985). Out of Running Naked and by Guilty Conscience, this name certainly tells a story! But with a career of 6 wins and $220,268 in earnings over 27 starts, this colt’s performance is one thing he definitely doesn’t have to be sorry about.

8. Ha Ha Ha. This name was given first to an American gelding in 1985, and again to a Brazilian filly in 2011. As you can imagine, announcing the name “Ha Ha Ha” in what is supposed to be a serious horse race is not an easy thing for a commentator to do. As it turned out, however, the last laugh was on the owner, with Ha Ha Ha performing exactly like the joke his name destined him to be.

9. Odor in the Court (1996). This colt’s name was inspired by his sire, Judge Smells. Not only is it a clever play on his pedigree, but also rather accurate, for if a horse ever did enter a court, he most likely would produce an unpleasant odor.

10. Onoitsmymothernlaw (2005). This mare gave commentator Tom Durkin a blast; after all, who among us don’t share the sentiment behind this name at least some of the time? Durkin clearly does! Let’s hope his mother in law wasn’t watching the race.

What are the funniest horse names you’ve ever heard? Share in the comments below.
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