Alternative Horse Uses
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   8th Apr 2017   •   1,295 views   •   0 comments
Alternative Horse Uses

Horses are useful animals. They can transport people across long distances, or pull classy carriages for urban transport. They can carry soldiers into battle, and help farmers keep livestock in line. They can improve quality of living for children with mental disabilities, and help prisoners build new and better lives. And, obviously, they allow us all to take part in exhilarating equestrian sports, or experience great enjoyment through pleasure riding. Horses have had many uses throughout history, but have you ever considered that we may be overlooking their most obvious, most ‘fitting’ uses? Here are some alternative uses for the modern horse.

Unlike humans brandishing impressive but useless technological devices, horses actually can detect ghosts. I can’t tell you whether or not these ghosts actually exist, so who knows how useful the skill will be, but horses will definitely find them. Real or not. Who you gonna call? Your pony.

Body Modification
Do you want flat feet? A collection of bumps or knobs on your head? As science fiction has shown us, already existing body modification trends are likely to become more popular as they extend into the future, and it becomes easier, more painless, and more affordable to have the body you want. Horses have always been good at creating head-bumps, at least in my experience. And if flat feet do become popular, just slap on a pair of sandals before you go to the stable, and voila.

Person Training
Fitness is definitely one of the biggest trends of the 21st century (although obesity seems to be another). Irony aside, these trends combined amount to a huge demand for personal trainers, for fatties and fitness freaks alike. And as anyone who has tried to catch an unwilling horse in an open field can tell you, horses are the best personal trainers when it comes to getting fit. Infinite laps around a paddock with a halter over your shoulder will get that weight off quick enough.

Parkour Coaching
Parkour is a type of training discipline based on military obstacle courses. It involves running up walls, jumping off obstacles, and generally acting like you’re part of an on-foot police chase in an action movie. If your horse has lousy ground manners, chances are you’ve accidentally become very good at parkour while scrambling over stable walls to avoid getting crushed in the doorway, or diving through arena fences so you don’t end up squished when your horse decides the grass on the other side looks greener. Nothing like a half-ton animal and a little fear of death to motivate self-improvement.

Date-Escape Services
Having a terrible first date and not quite sure how to get rid of him without hurting his feelings? Introduce him to your horse. One snotty snort and a crushed foot later, he probably won’t be coming back. Heck, if he does, he probably deserves the second date. Or you need a more obnoxious horse.

What alternative horse uses can you think of? Do you think your horse would make a good poop-artist, or fart-musician? Does he have a future in carrot accounting? Let us know in the comments below.
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