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Alternative Equine Behavior Issues
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   15th Apr 2017   •   1,140 views   •   0 comments
Alternative Equine Behavior Issues

Have you ever thought about the terms that we equestrians use for horse behavior problems, and what those terms would sound like to the average man on the street? Our jargon often leads to much confusion for the layman (which often results in much amusement for us). For the sake of amusement, let’s put ourselves in the layman’s shoes, and consider what horse behavior issues would look like if they functioned the way that our terms make them sound to the layman. I give you alternative equine behavior issues:

Cribbing
Conventional meaning: Horse chews on paddock fences, stable doors, etc.
Alternative meaning: Horse suffers from a specific type of OCD which causes him to compulsively construct cribs and leave them lying around the stable yard, making it look like the setting of a ghost-baby-themed horror movie.

Box Walking
Conventional meaning: Horse paces around his stable.
Alternative meaning: Horse has a penchant for adopting stray cardboard boxes and taking them for walks around the yard.

Weaving
Conventional meaning: Horse sways from side to side in the stable.
Alternative meaning: An eating disorder which causes the horse to empty his haynet and use his roughage as material for weaving hats and baskets, resulting in a lack of edible, non-woven roughage.

Napping
Conventional meaning: Horse always wants to go back to his stable/paddock - avoids work in a variety of ways.
Alternative meaning: Horse takes more spontaneous power naps than the average university student.

Rearing
Conventional meaning: A dangerous habit where the horse stands up on its hind legs.
Alternative meaning: A horse version of mooning; horse displays evidence of exhibitionism, regularly exposing his rear to humans, other horses, and the occasional highly-offended cat.

Bucking
Conventional meaning: Horse kicks up its hind legs, rounds its back, or otherwise acts as if to intentionally throw the rider.
Alternative meaning: The horse version of ‘crazy-cat-lady-syndrome’. Horse collects bucks and deer and keeps them in his stable, perhaps planning to film a new version of Bambi with a happier ending.

Wind Sucking
Conventional meaning: Horse bites onto a surface and sucks in air.
Alternative meaning: Horse’s farts are not particularly impressive by usual horse standards. They suck.

Bolting
Conventional meaning: Horse takes off and refuses to stop.
Alternative meaning: Horse spends most of his time bolting various objects together. Makes opening stable doors particularly difficult. Other horses hate him.

Striking
Conventional meaning: Horse reaches out with its front legs, attempting to strike its handler.
Alternative meaning: Horse releases a build-up of electrical energy to strike its victim with a Zeus-Style lightning bolt.

Charging
Conventional meaning: Charges at and attacks people.
Alternative meaning: Horse generates electrical energy (by bolting a battery to a walker, eating cellphones, rubbing his tail against a fence to generate static, etc.) in order to prepare a strike.

If horses really did display these alternative behavior issues, things would clearly be quite different. Which do you think are preferable? Conventional or alternative behavior issues? Would you rather have some of each? Let us know in the comments!
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