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So You Want To Buy A Horse
 By Polo the Weirdo   •   11th Dec 2017   •   971 views   •   0 comments
So, youíve decided you want a new horse! Youíve got your empty stable full of fresh shavings, your lifeís savings (and a few week-old carrot pieces) in your fanny pack and all the dreams and expectations in the world! Youíre all set. What could possibly go wrong from here?

Iíll tell you exactly what. Everything. Thatís what. Everything that can go wrong will, unexceptionally, indubitably, go wrong.

So You Want To Buy A Horse

1. See that horse over there? The really nice one that youíre certain is your dream horse, with exactly the temperament you were after, talent for your chosen discipline, the perfect height, conformation, age, breeding, schooling? Yeah, that one. Well I already sold that one to someone else. So, you know, go find a new dream horse.

2. Okay, so youíve found another horse that you like almost as much as the first one. It looks like it will suit you well, so youíre pretty excited. Youíve got your fanny pack ready, but when you finally decide to check the price tag... OOPS! SURPRISE! This one is 3 times the price of the other one. So never mind that.

3. You keep looking. Looking. Looking... Itís becoming less fun and exciting than it used to be. A little tedious. A little exhausting. You get 3 videos a day from 5 different people trying to sell you reining horses for eventing, or a grand prix dressage horse to run barrels. You are running out of polite ways to tell them to go away.

4. After a few more months of searching, at last another prospect appears! You like him even more than the first two, and he is an even better price! You thank your lucky stars that your dream horse got sold out from under your nose, and that you couldnít afford dream number two, because this, THIS is the horse youíve been waiting for! Your money is just about jumping out of your fanny pack! Incredulously, you ask yourself WHY a horse of this quality could be going so cheaply? Hold on. Seriously. Why?

5. Suspicious of your good luck (because since when does THAT exist in horse shopping?), you call up a vet to give your new dream a thorough vetting. And a few failed flexion tests later, youíre handing your vet a wad of tear-soaked cash and watching the horse of your dreams hobble away home.

6. You go back to browsing all your for sale groups, now always with a glass of wine in hand. A few months later you notice on social media that somebody bought that broken horse. You scoff at their stupidity, congratulating yourself for being smart enough to get a vetting. Your new pastime is going to be smirking smugly while you watch the fool who bought your dream horse break her heart after finding out that itís a total cripple.

7. The horse you didnít buy is now 100% sound and winning all the shows that you had your heart set on under the fool who didnít think to vet it. You exchange your wine for vodka.

8. You finally decide that no purchase in the world could possibly be worth you agonising THIS much. You go online to book an overseas holiday with your savings to recover from the trauma. You see a horse advertised online. You start shopping again.

9. Youíve found another interesting prospect, but itís an 8 hour drive away. The seller takes 2 weeks to respond to every message, and wonít send you videos of the horse. You make a note to decrease your horse budget in order to support your new drinking habit, and pour another vodka.

10. You finally decide to drive out to see the horse. You love it. But it is max budget, has no passport or vaccination records, and trying to get any information out of the seller is like trying to milk a cat. You decide ďWhatís the worst that could happen?Ē and put in an offer. You wonder when you finished that last bottle of vodka?

So You Want To Buy A Horse

11. Your offer is accepted and FINALLY, you (almost) own a new horse! Now all you have to do is get vaccination and passport information, and arrange for the horse to be trucked home to you. Itís all happening at last! By next week youíll have your new best friend!

12. Six months later you are still waiting for all relevant information, and nobody is willing to truck the horse. You are relieved that you allocated part of your budget to the vodka fund.

13. You finally decide to fetch the horse yourself. After endless months of searching, suffering, agonising Ė at long, long last you are the broke, poverty-stricken new owner of an unvaccinated horse that you know nothing about. You hope to god that this Ďdreamí youíve just paid for ends up every damn bit as amazing as youíd ever hoped! And that you donít crash your trailer with him in the back before his insurance kicks in.

And there you have it. The pleasant, fun, and totally worthwhile process of buying a new horse. And no, Iím not bitter and donít regret a thing... Yet. Ask me again after Iíve tried to ride the thing that devoured both my sanity and my lifeís savings. Itíll be worth it. It has to be worth it. Right?
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