1. If you don’t already have one, temporarily borrow a small child. Ask this child to complete a simple task, then sit with your head in your hands and rock back and forth for an entire hour while he or she throws a dramatic and moderately violent temper tantrum. This will allow you to achieve the same sense of defeat and failure that comes from attempting to perform a movement with which your horse is fully familiar, but still finds wildly offensive and inappropriate as a request. Eg, a simple canter transition in the vicinity of the gate.
2. Stop cleaning the house. Yes, immediately. Day 1. Stop it now. Let the stink accumulate, and keep your trash bin full until you’ve got a successful maggot breeding program going. Soon you will be surrounded with the same apocalypse-worthy hurricane of flies that you have become so fondly familiar with around the stables.
3. Run at full speed through your home-grown fly-hurricane with your eyes and mouth open. Swallow at least 3 bugs.
4. Change up the rules and routines. If you have pets (or small children), it’s time to allow them to relieve themselves wherever the heck they like. Put down shavings and scoop the poops with a rake. Relive that sense of accomplishment that comes from mucking out, and reward yourself with a nose-peg and stiff drink.
5. Search your home for any item that is over 160cm tall. Bonus points if it can move fast. Throw yourself off it in as awkward a position as possible, then smile through tears while nursing your bruises and profess that it was your fault. Feed the item a carrot and ponder on what you did wrong.
6. Adjust pooping rules to include any watering facilities. Clean accordingly.
7. Find another item in your house with a weight as close as possible to 500kg. Possible options include large, fully-stocked chest freezers, small cars, and big husbands (due to lockdown snacking). Drop said item on your foot.
8. As winter approaches, things are going to start getting hairy. If you’re feeling fomo for your horse’s annual clip, try this: find yourself a thoroughly non-cooperative party (husbands or small children that are “busy” may be good options). Attempt to hold them still while you shave a superman symbol, star, or heart into their body hair. Brush yourself off and reward yourself with another stiff drink.
9. Attempt to teach your child to lunge. Give up and fetch a stiff drink.
10. Try lunging a cat instead. When unsuccessful try a dog. Give up and fetch a stiff drink.
11. Missing shows? No problem. Go online to any of the many Equestrian forums or social media pages. Post a photo of your riding that you are proud of. Cry while people insult you and tear your confidence down. Give them all the money you earned last month. Post your results to social media with the caption “onwards and upwards from here!” or “getting better every time!”
12. Get onto youtube and watch some videos of the greats riding at the top level. Yell at them to “put your heels down!” and “shorten your stirrups!” If their equitation is perfect, suggest that their horse is in pain and needs to see a vet, physio, or psychic brainwave healer.
13. Find the dirtiest part of your (now hopefully filthy) house. Don your most expensive show gear and throw yourself into it. Bonus points if you bleed on your expensive breeches.
14. If your significant other wants to spend quality time with you, inform them that you are “busy at the stables” and “won’t make it tonight”. Continue yelling at youtube videos.
15. Feed carrots to the garbage disposal. Occasionally insert a finger. Curse loudly.
16. Video call your instructor and ask them to shout insults at you for at least half an hour. Don’t stop until you both feel like worthless failures. When done don't forget to pay for the session using any online payment method.
17. Attach a lead rein to your car and hold the other end. Have someone drive it around your garden as fast as they can while you ski behind them shouting “Whoa, dammit, WHOA!!!” Bonus points for ripping up the grass. Ignore neighbours staring out windows to get a glimpse.
18. Buy some expensive supplements online. Throw them away while convincing yourself the difference they made in your horses lameness or coat shine. Repeat monthly.
19. Call your vet. Their day probably feels incomplete without hearing from you. When done don't forget to pay for the session using any online payment method.
20. Set up a dressage arena in your living room. Perform a dressage test on foot. Relish the familiar comments of “WTF is she doing?” and “What was that even meant to be?” from neighbours. Buy an expensive rosette and take out a loan to pay your neighbours for “judging”.
21. Join an online horse game or news site like PonyBox.com to keep yourself appropriately entertained and out of trouble. Your home, family and neighbours will thank you for it!
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