Life Lessons From a Horse
 By Valkyrie   •   21st Mar 2010   •   3,050 views   •   13 comments
Life Lessons From a HorseI have learned many things in the nearly eighteen-years I have walked this earth. But perhaps the most valuable lessons have come from owning my two cheeky, adorable miniature horses Beauty and Star. I thought I should share them with you, and we can all become richer for the experience.

1. Hoses are snakes.
You may not see them move, but I do, and I know they are coming for me. The same applies to trailing ends of lead-ropes, flapping bits of tarpaulin and anything random I can turn into a horse-eating beast.

2. Fences are guidelines, not rules.
If your owner closes the gate or blocks up a hole, they are merely offering you a challenge to keep you sharp. Take them up on that offer, they will be so happy that you are taking the opportunity to get some exercise. In fact, they may be so glad to see you cavorting about the front lawn, trampling the roses, that they will come out and start a game of tag with you.

Fences also make excellent butt-scratchers. The more hair you leave scattered on the ground, the better.

3. Sheep are evil.
They are secretly plotting your downfall. Any chance you get you should chase them and, if possible, rip out great chunks of wool. That'll teach 'em.

4. Dogs/cats make funny noises when stepped on.
They are also fun to pursue about the paddock, especially if any of your horsey companions join in and make it impossible for your quarry to escape. In fact, if you terrorise them often enough they will run away altogether and then you will have the human all to yourself.

5. Clothing is optional.
You should take every chance you can to attempt to remove pesky things such as halters, rugs and paddock boots. There's nothing humans enjoy more than picking up after you, especially if you manage to drop your brand new, $200 blanket in a ginormous puddle. As a reward they will let you go nude for the rest of the winter. Hellloooo mud baths!

6. Mud = good for the skin. Soap = not so much.
By bathing me you remove my war-paint, which is a serious offense. Therefore, following the laws of my kind, you must die a painful death. Or suffer a thousand lashes from my sopping wet tail.

7. Trailers are death-traps and must be avoided at all costs.
If your human insists on dragging you onto one, gently persuade them not to by digging your feet in and stubbornly refusing to move an inch. If they try bribing you, act like you're taking the bait, then snatch it when their attention wanders. Humans are notorious for getting easily distracted. If they get frustrated and bring out the big guns (aka. a rope or a cattle-prodder) kick up a tremendous fuss and, if possible, injure yourself in the process.

They'll soon give up.

8. Nighttime is the best time to make alot of noise.
Humans don't like to sleep, and they appreciate it when you help them stay up as late as possible. Once you see the lights in their stable go out, be sure to set up terrific noise. It doesn't matter how, whether it's loudly neighing to the horse three miles down the road, or pawing at a bucket, or annoying the dogs until they start up a barking frenzy.

Your humans will love you so much for stopping them sleeping that they will bring out more water (helllooo another noisy bucket!), or perhaps even some extra hay to reward you.

And those are just some lessons I've learnt from my miniatures.
Horse News More In This Category:  General      Horse News More From This Author:  Valkyrie
Hysterical!! I love it!!
  Mar 21, 2010  •  2,142 views
i i i dont get it ...
  Mar 21, 2010  •  2,196 views
T W I  
Very well written! And so funny!
  Mar 21, 2010  •  2,140 views
Great article xD
  Mar 21, 2010  •  2,154 views
This is hilarious! Great job! :D
  Mar 21, 2010  •  2,135 views
Great article. Sooo funny! AND true! lol
  Mar 21, 2010  •  2,215 views
Great article. You had me laughing at certain points there :D
  Mar 22, 2010  •  2,172 views
Valkyrie   MOD 
Haha thanks for the comments guys XP
  Mar 22, 2010  •  2,143 views
*whispers* goats are plotting your demise as well... Great article :)
  Mar 22, 2010  •  2,245 views
I SOOO GET IT! HA HA! I was laughing my head off! I love this article!!!!!!
  Mar 23, 2010  •  2,142 views
Beeswax Crusade  
Hilarious. Plain and simple.
  Mar 23, 2010  •  2,163 views
Little Bitty Farm  
Great article!
  May 9, 2011  •  2,170 views
Cruisin Past Curfew  
Lol, so funny XD
  Apr 14, 2012  •  2,145 views
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